Scurred

I'm now quite terrified of my own mind. I've gotten so used to having the Internet occupying most of my mind at all times that I've become dependent on it. Normally, this isn't so bad. It just means that when I'm away from the Internet, my imagination goes insane, and I can't really focus on anything for too particularly long. That's okay, because it can make conversations interesting, and school nearly entertaining. Well, more like almost bearable. Still.

It's gotten worse this week. The problem is the the cycles that would normally be used by the Internet? They shut down when I sleep. But I can't sleep. When I lay down, unless I'm absolutely exhausted, those cycles are still running. That's why I keep the schedule I do. Because my brain won't shut up. But ever since the Picone thing, those cycles are all going to the same program. EVERYTHING IS POINTLESS. It's not even just those words. No, that would be easy. Every single aspect of my day, every day, is analyzed for just how pointless it is. And I can't stop it. I can't sleep because the cycles won't shut down. I've ceased being tired at night. I finally passed out for most of yesterday. I missed two classes. I'm now going to fail English Comp. Or, at most, get a C. Math 151 is already in the crapper. And there's no way in hell I can tell my parents any of this.

It is a terrifying thing to not be safe from your own thoughts. I'm freaking scurred.

I'm going to go try to close my eyes and sleep now. Hopefully I can write something that doesn't sound either insane or completely bollocks in the near future. If not, I hear those padded rooms are nice. I haven't blinked since I started writing this post.

Clowns

There are places you expect to learn life lessons. Those places are usually the worst place to find a life lesson. The best ones come from places you'd never imagine. Today, mine comes from clowns.

Obviously, I don't mean clowns of the circus variety. I'm talking about the people I go to for laughs, for easy entertainment, the people I open myself up to because when I do that they reward me by making me smile. In this case, the characters of Scrubs. Yes, really. If you think I'm a tool for getting a life lesson from Scrubs, you know where the Back button is.

I'm not really current with the shows I like. This is because TV has utterly failed me, and so I've turned to YouTube to provide my video entertainment. This being the case, I hadn't really seen any of Season 8 of Scrubs. So when I was watching Episode 7, My New Role, it kind of caught me off guard. The episode reminded me of something important that we all have to face sooner or later.

Life is full of thankless jobs.

Let's look at Dr. Cox. New Chief of Medicine. Works his ass off behind a desk all day for the sole purpose of making the hospital run better for everyone involved, from doctors to nurses to physicians to patients. He's trapped in there, forced by his position to be an ass to the people to whom he's closest, never able to get out and do what he really loves, which is helping the patients. He's miserable, but he knows the job needs to be done, and everyone knows he's the only one tough enough to do it.

Dr. Dorian. Or JD, since freaking nobody calls him Dr. Dorian. He has the unenviable task of riding Cox to do the things that really need to be done. Cox hates him for it. He hates doing it. There can never be any kind of happiness there until one or both of them leaves their position. Unfortunately, he's the only one who has any kind of pull with Dr. Cox. The friendship he worked years and years to cultivate has been perverted into this twisted, antagonistic relationship.

It scares me to think about this, because I know it's real. There are really roles where people will hate you for what you do, even though you're doing everything you can to help them.

I can't write any more about this. Later.

Progress

So, I'm not a good student. I never have been. I've had Senioritis since sixth grade. My parents have tried way too many things to get me to be a good student. Right now, I'm being watched and medicated for what the doctor is calling "ADHD Inattentive Type". Basically, the meds just help me focus, which is probably a good thing, since my focus sucks when I don't give a damn about what someone is talking about, which happens a lot at school. The problem is, I've been on this stuff since about halfway through the summer, but my grades haven't miraculously gotten better. First quarter, I failed three classes. Second quarter, two.
The thing is, I've had a change of heart. Something like that, anyway. Probably more like a change of mind. I've sort of decided that now, homework may actually be worth my time. It's probably because I need to apply to colleges like, now, if I want to be accepted in time to go next semester. So, now I'm working my butt off to make sure all my stuff is done and in on time. It's weird, but I think it's actually easier to just do the work than it was to dance around it, waiting for it to be too late to matter.

That's not the most important thing in my life right now, though. The most important thing is that I recently had tech work! I love working on shows. It causes me to focus on something and work hard for a few weeks at a time, which is really good for me. Plus, I need all the experience I can get if I hope to be any good at this stuff in college.
The cool part about this show is that none of my family members were in it. I was called to work on it simply because they knew I was good. And they were willing to pay me for my work. I've always been happy doing it for these guys for free, but getting paid is awesome.

So, as an added distraction from legitimate concerns, I'm crushing on this girl. It's ridiculous. Romance is just not a good plan for me, so you'd think I'd be smart enough to avoid this sort of thing. *sigh*
So, most of the time, she's a complete bitch. Like, to everyone. She randomly says these horrible, awful, just mean things to people, she looks at you like you're garbage, and she almost definitely thinks she's better than you. But then there are these times when she's actually pretty fun. She's funny, she's intelligent, and she's actually nice. It's so weird. It's not just those times that I'm attracted to her, though. I'm even smiling when she's being a bitch. It's like, I'm enamored by how hard she tries to insult me. Clearly, there's something wrong with me. And I don't particularly care, because this crazy bitch is fantastic, and if there's a healthier relationship waiting for me somewhere, I want no part of it.

Well, this is a huge idiot, signing off to do homework.

Injuries

So, I managed to hurt my back. Sleeping. I mean, am I an idiot, or what? In all seriousness though, the doc said 90% of adults go in for this at some point. Like, here's what happened. Last Wednesday, I woke up, got up, and about fell over. Back hurt like hell. So, I figured I slept on it wrong, and it would go away over the course of the day, and I'd just have to deal with it until then.
With that in mind, I headed off to class, and proceeded to ignore the fire in my back. Didn't help. It got worse as the day went on, despite any number of stretches, back-cracks, and other attempts at making it not hurt. Thursday was no better. Like, we're talking epic pain here.
So, Friday, I'm like, no. No class. Not doing this crap again today. So that's when I went in to see the doctor. He actually found a spot on my back that was having muscle spasms he could feel just by putting a hand on it.
So, long story short, I'm on drugs now. 800mg of Motrin every 6-8 hours, so like three times a day, and then Valium before I go to sleep. It's good stuff, but the Motrin is really throwing me off during the day. Like, I forget random little things, and then occasionally someone'll get my attention, and I'll realize I've been staring off into space for like five minutes. I'm amazed I haven't been brought in for a drug test yet.

New Things

I am a strong believer in trying new things, as long as they're not too new. Yeah, I know. I'm a wuss. Get over it. So, I'm giving break dancing a shot. It interests me, what I've done so far has been fun, and I could use something physical to do. On top of all that, it's always bugged me that I couldn't dance. I can make music, but I've never quite had the ability to dance to it. Shouldn't I be able to feel what someone else is putting out? If not, how can I expect anyone to get into my music? So, this will be a new form of expression, and a conduit for music. It should help who I am as an artist, if nothing else. Plus, it's a reason for me to stretch every day. When is being flexible ever a bad thing? Thoughts, comments, etc, you know the drill.

Intervals

So, it's been a long-ass time since I made a post. Really. I don't know what it is. I think I created this blog over the summer, or maybe even right at the end of last school year. Over the summer, I pretty much lost interest in everything except sleeping and making the most of time left with friends who were moving. Since school has started, I've had things piling up and overlapping to the point where I've had no true free time. I haven't meditated in a long time either, so that might be something to try. You know, I really ought to think about getting a girlfriend. That kind of zany, time-wasting, ridiculous stress tends to make me focus on life for a little while. Well, I know I don't have any actual readers, but if someone glances at this and has something to say, feel free to comment.